The 36 questions to fall in love

The 36 questions to fall in love come from a 1997 closeness study by Aron and colleagues: two people take turns answering three sets of 12 questions, each set more personal than the last, in about 45 minutes. The study found pairs felt closer afterward; it did not test falling in love.

48 questions, each with a follow-up · Updated November 12, 2026

Start with question 1

Here are the 36 questions exactly as published in the 1997 study, split into its three sets, with timing for each. We added one follow-up per question for couples who want to go further, and 12 questions of our own for afterward. Where the original says "your partner", it means the person you're doing this with.

  1. Sit facing each other with about 45 minutes free. Spend roughly 15 minutes on each set, then move on even if you haven't finished.
  2. Both of you answer every question, and switch who answers first each time.
  3. Use a follow-up only when you both want more. Finish with the after-questions, or save them for another night.

Source: Aron, A., Melinat, E., Aron, E. N., Vallone, R. D., & Bator, R. J. (1997). The experimental generation of interpersonal closeness: A procedure and some preliminary findings. Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, 23(4), 363-377. doi:10.1177/0146167297234003. Questions 1 to 36 are reproduced in the study's wording; follow-ups and the after-questions are original to this site.

48 questions

Set I: questions 1 to 12

The lightest set. Spend about the first 15 minutes here, taking turns on who answers first.

  1. Given the choice of anyone in the world, whom would you want as a dinner guest?

    Then ask What would you want to ask them over dessert?

    Why it works An easy opener, and the person they pick says a lot about them.

    Light

  2. Would you like to be famous? In what way?

    Then ask What would you miss about your private life?

    Why it works Shows how they feel about attention, success and privacy.

    Light

  3. Before making a telephone call, do you ever rehearse what you are going to say? Why?

    Then ask Which call did you rehearse that went completely differently?

    Why it works A small habit that reveals how they handle nerves.

    Light

  4. What would constitute a “perfect” day for you?

    Then ask Which part of that day could we do together this weekend?

    Why it works Gives you a picture of what they enjoy most, start to finish.

    Light

  5. When did you last sing to yourself? To someone else?

    Then ask What were you singing?

    Why it works A light question that shows how comfortable they are being playful.

    Light

  6. If you were able to live to the age of 90 and retain either the mind or body of a 30-year-old for the last 60 years of your life, which would you want?

    Then ask What would you do with those years?

    Why it works Shows what they value most about themselves as they age.

    Light

  7. Do you have a secret hunch about how you will die?

    Then ask How does that hunch shape the way you live now?

    Why it works The first serious turn, and it shows how they think about their life.

    Light

  8. Name three things you and your partner appear to have in common.

    Then ask Which one surprised you when you first noticed it?

    Why it works Gets you both noticing what you share, out loud.

    Light

  9. For what in your life do you feel most grateful?

    Then ask When did you last say that out loud to someone?

    Why it works Shows what sits at the center of their life right now.

    Light

  10. If you could change anything about the way you were raised, what would it be?

    Then ask How does that show up in the way you live now?

    Why it works Gets at the childhood experiences they would want to do differently.

    Light

  11. Take four minutes and tell your partner your life story in as much detail as possible.

    Then ask Which part of the story did you almost leave out?

    Why it works Four minutes of their story, told their way, with the parts they choose.

    Light

  12. If you could wake up tomorrow having gained any one quality or ability, what would it be?

    Then ask What's the first thing you'd do with it?

    Why it works Shows what they wish they had, which hints at what they feel they lack.

    Light

Set II: questions 13 to 24

More personal: dreams, memories, friendship and family. Move here after about 15 minutes, even if Set I isn't finished.

  1. If a crystal ball could tell you the truth about yourself, your life, the future, or anything else, what would you want to know?

    Then ask What would you do with the answer the next day?

    Why it works Shows what they're curious or anxious about when it comes to their life.

    Real

  2. Is there something that you’ve dreamed of doing for a long time? Why haven’t you done it?

    Then ask What would the first small step be?

    Why it works Brings out a dream and the thing that's been stopping them.

    Real

  3. What is the greatest accomplishment of your life?

    Then ask Who did you most want to tell when it happened?

    Why it works Shows what they're proudest of and how they measure success.

    Real

  4. What do you value most in a friendship?

    Then ask Which friend shows that best?

    Why it works Tells you what they need from the people closest to them.

    Real

  5. What is your most treasured memory?

    Then ask Which detail of it is sharpest?

    Why it works Brings out a story they hold close and rarely tell.

    Real

  6. What is your most terrible memory?

    Then ask What helped you through the time after it?

    Why it works A big step in trust, so listen without rushing to respond.

    Real

  7. If you knew that in one year you would die suddenly, would you change anything about the way you are now living? Why?

    Then ask What's one change you could make this month?

    Why it works Shows whether the life they're living matches what they want.

    Real

  8. What does friendship mean to you?

    Then ask How has that meaning changed since you were a teenager?

    Why it works Asks about friendship again, from a deeper angle this time.

    Real

  9. What roles do love and affection play in your life?

    Then ask Where did you learn how to show affection?

    Why it works Shows how central love is to their life and how they express it.

    Real

  10. Alternate sharing something you consider a positive characteristic of your partner. Share a total of five items.

    Then ask Which of the five surprised you most to hear?

    Why it works Saying good things out loud, face to face, builds real warmth.

    Real

  11. How close and warm is your family? Do you feel your childhood was happier than most other people’s?

    Then ask What made your family feel that way to you?

    Why it works Shows the emotional climate they grew up in.

    Real

  12. How do you feel about your relationship with your mother?

    Then ask What would you want her to know?

    Why it works One of the most personal questions in the set, so go gently.

    Real

Set III: questions 25 to 36

The most personal set, with more questions about each other. Take the last 15 minutes for these.

  1. Make three true “we” statements each. For instance, “We are both in this room feeling…”

    Then ask Which of the six statements felt truest?

    Why it works Puts the two of you in the same sentence, which feels close fast.

    Deep

  2. Complete this sentence: “I wish I had someone with whom I could share…”

    Then ask What would that sharing look like on an ordinary day?

    Why it works Reveals a longing they might not have said out loud before.

    Deep

  3. If you were going to become a close friend with your partner, please share what would be important for them to know.

    Then ask Which part was hardest to say?

    Why it works Lets them tell you what really matters to understanding them.

    Deep

  4. Tell your partner what you like about them; be very honest this time, saying things that you might not say to someone you’ve just met.

    Then ask How did it feel to hear that?

    Why it works Asks for honest admiration, which is rare and moving to hear.

    Deep

  5. Share with your partner an embarrassing moment in your life.

    Then ask How do you feel about it now?

    Why it works Sharing embarrassment builds trust because it shows you can be vulnerable.

    Deep

  6. When did you last cry in front of another person? By yourself?

    Then ask What brought it on?

    Why it works Shows how they handle sadness and who they let see it.

    Deep

  7. Tell your partner something that you like about them already.

    Then ask When did you first notice it?

    Why it works Ends the compliments with something you already know you like.

    Deep

  8. What, if anything, is too serious to be joked about?

    Then ask Where did you learn where that line sits?

    Why it works Reveals their limits around humor and what they hold sacred.

    Deep

  9. If you were to die this evening with no opportunity to communicate with anyone, what would you most regret not having told someone? Why haven’t you told them yet?

    Then ask What would it take to tell them this week?

    Why it works Often uncovers something they should say to someone this week.

    Deep

  10. Your house, containing everything you own, catches fire. After saving your loved ones and pets, you have time to safely make a final dash to save any one item. What would it be? Why?

    Then ask What does that item hold for you?

    Why it works Shows which object carries the most meaning in their life.

    Deep

  11. Of all the people in your family, whose death would you find most disturbing? Why?

    Then ask What would you want them to know now?

    Why it works A very heavy question that shows who they love most deeply.

    Deep

  12. Share a personal problem and ask your partner’s advice on how they might handle it. Also, ask your partner to reflect back to you how you seem to be feeling about the problem you have chosen.

    Then ask Which part of their advice will you actually try?

    Why it works Ends with real trust: asking for advice and being understood.

    Deep

Questions for after the 36

The original questions were written for two strangers. These 12 are ours, for couples who want to talk about what came up.

  1. Which of my answers surprised you most?

    Then ask What did it teach you about me?

    Why it works Shows what you learned about each other in one evening.

    Real

  2. Which question was hardest for you to answer honestly?

    Then ask What made it hard?

    Why it works Shows where honesty felt risky, which is worth understanding.

    Real

  3. When during the 36 did you feel closest to me?

    Then ask What was I saying at the time?

    Why it works Points to the moment of the night that mattered most.

    Real

  4. Which of your own answers came out differently than you expected?

    Then ask Where do you think it came from?

    Why it works Shows what they discovered about themselves along the way.

    Real

  5. What did you notice about the way I listened?

    Then ask What would make you feel even more heard?

    Why it works Gives you feedback on your listening while it's still fresh.

    Real

  6. Which of my answers would you like to hear more about?

    Then ask What do you want to ask me about it?

    Why it works Picks up a thread that deserves a longer conversation.

    Real

  7. What did I say tonight that changed how you see me, even slightly?

    Then ask How does it change things?

    Why it works Names the shift the questions created, even a small one.

    Deep

  8. What would you answer differently if we did this again in a year?

    Then ask What do you think will have changed?

    Why it works Turns tonight into something you can repeat and compare.

    Deep

  9. What's a question you wish had been on the list?

    Then ask How would you answer it?

    Why it works Shows what they still want to talk about with you.

    Deep

  10. Which question should we come back to on an ordinary night?

    Then ask When should we?

    Why it works Keeps one good question in your regular life together.

    Deep

  11. What's one thing you want to do differently after tonight?

    Then ask How can I help with it?

    Why it works Turns a good conversation into something you actually do.

    Deep

  12. If we wrote our own set of 36, what would the first question be?

    Then ask What would the last one be?

    Why it works Ends with a creative way to keep asking each other questions.

    Deep

Questions people ask about this

What are the 36 questions to fall in love?

They are 36 questions from a 1997 study by psychologist Arthur Aron and colleagues, published as "The Experimental Generation of Interpersonal Closeness" in Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin. Two people take turns answering them in three sets, each more personal than the last. The full list, in the original wording, is on this page.

Do the 36 questions really make you fall in love?

The study measured closeness, and it was run with pairs of strangers. Pairs who asked each other the 36 questions reported feeling closer than pairs who asked small-talk questions. It did not test whether people fell in love. For couples, the questions are a good structured way to talk about things that rarely come up.

How long do the 36 questions take?

The original procedure takes about 45 minutes: roughly 15 minutes per set, moving on when the time is up even if you haven't finished. Question 11 alone asks for four minutes. Many couples take longer and spread the sets over a few evenings, which works too.

Is staring into each other's eyes for four minutes part of it?

The 1997 study had no eye-contact step. The four minutes of silent eye contact became popular through a widely shared 2015 newspaper essay by a writer who tried the questions. You can add it at the end if you both want to, as a separate exercise.

More sets to try

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